Author: Editor

Food On Wooden Board Same As Food On Plate

Food served on a polished chopping board is identical to food supplied on a plate, it has been revealed.

The findings come after an extensive research project conducted in cafes and restaurants.

“While the food we tested on wooden boards was generally more difficult to eat and about 30-40% more expensive, we found no difference in the food itself,” scientist Jeffery Coomb said today.

The findings will come as a shock to patrons, many of whom have cut plated food from their diets completely.

New Telstra Bundle Includes Five Free Outages A Month

Saying it was its best mobile deal yet, Telstra has released a new plan that includes 10GB of data, $500 worth of calls and texts, and a whopping five full days of network downtime, all for just $75 a month.

And as a special promotional offer, those who sign up before the end of the month will get their first week without any access at all, totally free.

Melbourne Café Now Selling Deconstructed Irony

A café in North Fitzroy is giving customers all the ingredients they need to make a smug social statement.

Served on an assortment of materials that can be used to build an old chopping board, the irony costs just $4, payable in four 1983 $1 notes.

Customer Sarah McTavish said she was one of the first to discover the new trend. “Going to cafés that pre-assemble their irony is so 2015. What a great idea to give you the materials to create your own self-important milieu”.

Trump Calls For US To Exit EU

Saying it was time to ‘make America Great again’, Republican presumptive Presidential nominee Donald Trump has begun a bid for his country to leave the European Union.

At a rally today, Mr Trump said. “Why should we answer to Brussels? Who even knows where Brussels is? I do. I’ve been there. I know loads of people there. And they’re not Americans. We’re Americans. Which is why we need to leave the EU. If I’m President, it’s the first thing I’ll do”.

“People are laughing at us. They’re actually laughing at us. People say to me, ‘Donald, why is America part of the European Union?’ And I say ‘Obama’. And they say ‘I hate Obama’. And I say, ‘I know Obama. I’ve met him. He’s not even American. And the European Union isn’t American either’.

“I know all the best unions. And the European Union is not one of them. The best union is the United States. So why are we even part of the EU? Let’s give the EU the finger. We won’t even need a referendum. We’ll just leave. I don’t even care if they try to stop us. I’m sick and tired of people trying to stop America leaving the EU”.

A poll today showed that 48% of Americans supported Donald Trump’s plan to leave the EU.

Watch As Waleed Aly Brilliantly Takes Down A Box Of Cereal

A clip of The Project host Waleed Aly comprehensively taking down a box of Nutri Grain from a very high shelf has gone viral.

One fan said the video – which has already notched 52 million views – was just perfect. “The way he calmly and methodically took that box down from what was a pretty challenging position up there on the fourth shelf was impressive. But then to systematically unpack the box – carefully considering both sides equally – was amazing. I’m a big fan,” Sophie Bridges from Milingimby said.

Snow falls across Gove

UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW blanketed the Gove Peninsula for the first time in recorded history today.

A severe weather alert was issued by the Nhulunbuy Corporation to drivers as the snow covered large swathes of North East Arnhem Land.

Tracks to communities were hit by the wave of snow which swept across the North East of the region from Wednesday evening.

Authorities took to social media to warn of difficult conditions from Yirrkala to Gapuwiyak.

“Oddly enough, this isn’t the strangest news event of recent times,” wrote NCL social media manager, Wendy Constantine, alluding to Lynne Walker’s recent humbling at the polls.

“No roads are closed at this stage, but yes folks, snow has fallen in Nhulunbuy. Whether it’s a freak occurrence, global warming or climate change, we’re not sure.”

Nhulunbuy Police issued a yellow ‘Be Aware’ warning for much of the region, which was due to expire mid-morning on Friday.

More to come.

Cricket Australia insists the media blame the players for latest series loss, not them

CRICKET AUSTRALIA CEO JAMES Sutherland has dismissed suggestion that his organisation is broken at a fundamental level, saying that the rotation and reward policy had nothing to do with the series loss to South Africa this afternoon.

Rather than take an introspective look into Cricket Australia, Sutherland has pointed the finger at his underperforming players.

“We’ve been resting players, rotating them around to keep them fresh. We’ve given them the best support staff in the world – and they still get flogged. It’s not the board’s failure, it’s the players themselves who should shoulder the blame.” said Sutherland.

John Eales is putting soothing voice to good use by voicing GPS systems

IN A DAY AND AGE when road rage is becoming more and more common, it’s nice to have a voice of reason behind the wheel – and now, that voice can be John Eales.

The former Wallabies captain has leant his pipes to global GPS navigation giant TomTom, so that rugby union fans can simmer down and take the long way back, listening to the second-rower guide them home.

“My road rage problem was beginning to impact on those around me,” said Dennis Reprobate (52). “I’d grip the wheel and scream and shout. Sometimes I’d take the battery out of the garage remote and throw it at bad drivers.”

Pokémon Go Draws To Close After Final Little Piece Of Customer Data Captured

Describing it as a ‘wonderful, exciting adventure’, Pokémon Go creator Niantic has announced that the game will now come to an end, after the final, adorable little piece of customer information was captured in a suburban park in outer San Francisco last night.

“It’s been so much fun collecting all your data. We captured some really rare stuff,” Niantic executive James O’Neil said.