Fake News

Snow falls across Gove

UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW blanketed the Gove Peninsula for the first time in recorded history today.

A severe weather alert was issued by the Nhulunbuy Corporation to drivers as the snow covered large swathes of North East Arnhem Land.

Tracks to communities were hit by the wave of snow which swept across the North East of the region from Wednesday evening.

Authorities took to social media to warn of difficult conditions from Yirrkala to Gapuwiyak.

“Oddly enough, this isn’t the strangest news event of recent times,” wrote NCL social media manager, Wendy Constantine, alluding to Lynne Walker’s recent humbling at the polls.

“No roads are closed at this stage, but yes folks, snow has fallen in Nhulunbuy. Whether it’s a freak occurrence, global warming or climate change, we’re not sure.”

Nhulunbuy Police issued a yellow ‘Be Aware’ warning for much of the region, which was due to expire mid-morning on Friday.

More to come.

Cricket Australia insists the media blame the players for latest series loss, not them

CRICKET AUSTRALIA CEO JAMES Sutherland has dismissed suggestion that his organisation is broken at a fundamental level, saying that the rotation and reward policy had nothing to do with the series loss to South Africa this afternoon.

Rather than take an introspective look into Cricket Australia, Sutherland has pointed the finger at his underperforming players.

“We’ve been resting players, rotating them around to keep them fresh. We’ve given them the best support staff in the world – and they still get flogged. It’s not the board’s failure, it’s the players themselves who should shoulder the blame.” said Sutherland.

John Eales is putting soothing voice to good use by voicing GPS systems

IN A DAY AND AGE when road rage is becoming more and more common, it’s nice to have a voice of reason behind the wheel – and now, that voice can be John Eales.

The former Wallabies captain has leant his pipes to global GPS navigation giant TomTom, so that rugby union fans can simmer down and take the long way back, listening to the second-rower guide them home.

“My road rage problem was beginning to impact on those around me,” said Dennis Reprobate (52). “I’d grip the wheel and scream and shout. Sometimes I’d take the battery out of the garage remote and throw it at bad drivers.”

Pokémon Go Draws To Close After Final Little Piece Of Customer Data Captured

Describing it as a ‘wonderful, exciting adventure’, Pokémon Go creator Niantic has announced that the game will now come to an end, after the final, adorable little piece of customer information was captured in a suburban park in outer San Francisco last night.

“It’s been so much fun collecting all your data. We captured some really rare stuff,” Niantic executive James O’Neil said.

Mexico Builds Wall First

Mexico has erected a full-length border wall to keep out the millions of Americans hoping to flee from a Trump Presidency.

The wall, which stretches the entire length of the Mexico-US border, was built by a team of Mexican labourers who until recently had formed the backbone of the American agricultural industry. They’ve since pre-empted a Trump victory and returned home, causing the US agricultural industry to collapse.

UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history. 

Just as our fur-clad forebears in mud-brick houses were shaken to the core by the cold white magic covering the ground, people across the North today found themselves panicked by an inch of snow as if it had never been known in their lifetimes.

Historian Mary Fisher said: “As Chaucer wrote, ‘Snowe? Then thy milke man shal be late on his round as if this hath never byn befor.’