mosul

ISIS transports links decimated after NATO hand Mosul contract to Queensland Rail

The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Queensland Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.

Dozens of suicide bombers were left twiddling their thumbs and prominent evil bastards were left unable to deliver vital information, as delays of up to three hours caused chaos for nefarious commuters.

Head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, said, “This is wholly unacceptable. I contacted Queensland Rail about the issue, and they had the audacity to direct our disgruntled suicide bombers to a flippin delay-repay website!

“The very nature of the job means they’re highly unlikely to benefit from compensation.”

Transport Minister Stirling Hinchliffe, told us, “Queensland Rail have never, and will never, give a shit about our customers.

“I literally spend my days sipping port and laughing at CCTV footage of tearful commuters calling their kids to tell them they won’t be able to read them a bedtime story.

“It just proves how fickle the world is. NATO is calling us heroes, but essentially our business plan hasn’t changed.

“Whether you’re desperate to get home to your family, or desperate to blow-up someone else’s – we’ll do our best to stop you.”

 

psy

Hipster claims he was into PSY waaaay before Gangnam Style

Korean internet sensation PSY flies into Australia tonight to promote his hit song Gangnam Style, but one fan says he’d prefer it if the singer played his older material instead.

Melbourne hipster Johnny White says he has been following PSY’s career for over a decade. “I’ve been into PSY since he was doing late night spots at karaoke bars in Seoul and, I gotta tell you, his early material is much better. Things kinda started to go downhill after his 2005 release, Sa Jib.

“Everyone’s just jumping on the bandwagon now, which is unfortunate because it makes the PSY posters in my bedroom look a bit mainstream, although they are originals from 2002”.

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jarryd-hayne

Jarryd Hayne To Take Nick Kyrgios’s Spot And Pursue Dream Of Playing Olympic Tennis

Former NRL, NFL and Fijian 7s star Jarryd Hayne has jumped at the opportunity to fill Nick Kyrgios’s spot on the Australian Olympic tennis team, saying it was a chance to pursue his lifelong dream.

“Playing for the Parramatta Eels, playing for the San Francisco 49ers, playing for Fiji – all of this was just a stepping stone to going out on court in the men’s singles, and possibly the mixed doubles, in Rio 2016,” Hayne said.

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south-africa-cricket

South Africa Skilfully Exploits Aussies’ Weakness: Cricket

South Africa has convincingly won the second test in Hobart after doggedly honing in on Australia’s Achilles heel – batting, bowling and fielding.

South African captain Faf Du Plassis said it was part of a conscious strategy to outmaneuver the once-dominant Aussies.

“We studied the tapes over the winter and found a specific vulnerability in the Aussies’ game: test match cricket,” he said after the game. “From there it was just a matter of exploiting that weakness by sticking to a plan of playing cricket over and over again for four days. Full credit to the boys for their persistence”.

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