Tenant Thinks Real Estate Agent Will Return Deposit

A MAN believes he is going to get his deposit back from a local real estate agent.

Julian Cook plans to move in the coming weeks and told friends he will use part of his returned deposit towards a house-warming party.

 Cook said: “Once my agent gives me my $2500 and my kidney back, no questions asked and without any attempt to try and keep them for even the smallest stain, then I’ll be good to go.”

Sure, the apartment’s had a few knocks since I moved in but that’s just normal wear and tear, there’s no way the landlord will try and make out like I’ve somehow betrayed her trust just by living in it. That would be unfair.”

Artist's impression of The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore- LifebloodReal estate agent, The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore-Lifeblood said: “Of course I’m going to return his deposit, just like I definitely put it into that protected no interest deposit scheme thing in the first place. Just like I addressed the numerous issues with the property in a timely and courteous manner without claiming it was the tenant’s responsibility.”

I am a real estate agent after all. We’re known for being easygoing, likeable people who are more concerned with helping others than getting our hands on their cash.”

Cook’s friend Emma Bradford said: “Maybe there’s a gas leak in the flat and it’s messing with his brain.”

RAAF jets scrambled to intercept suspicious “on time” Scarenorth flight

RAAF jets scrambled to intercept suspicious “on time” Airnorth flight

RAAF Base Tindal scrambled two F-35A jets this morning to intercept a Airnorth flight after suspicions were raised about an unusual flight pattern when it departed Darwin airport on time.

One lucky passenger just in time to get whopper

The air force deployed the F-35A Lightning II multirole fighter jets in response to worrying reports from passengers that the flight had not been cancelled or delayed as is generally expected and that they were not given sufficient time to stock up on cheeseburgers for friends and family back in Gove.

Passengers are currently being transferred back to Darwin by coach where they will be booked into a hotel overnight before continuing their journey back to Gove.

Jim Cook, who booked the Airnorth flight in the hope of scoring a free overnight stay, said: “There was a state of utter panic on the plane when it departed without delays or cancellation.”

“We’d all booked it thinking we’d get a free meal or even a free overnight stay out of them.”

“So when it took off on time we just assumed it must have been hijacked.”

Airnorth has been hit with a series of cancellations following an administration oversight: the firm recently found out that they needed to pay people to fly their aircraft and maintain their fleet, which hadn’t been factored into their recruitment plans. It has also been suggested that the exorbitant cost of flights, resulting in a decline in non-wealthy passengers, might be a contributory factor.

Beleaguered Airnorth CEO Daniella Bowlden thanked the RAAF pilots for their speedy response before asking if they could take a hundred passengers each to Cairns.


Asteroid survives near miss with moron-infected planet

Asteroid 2004 BL86 has dramatically survived a near-miss with ‘Earth’, a planet well-known for carrying dangerously high levels of morons.

The planet apparently came within 1.2m kilometres of the mountain-sized asteroid, which is merely a hair’s breadth in cosmic terms.

Planetary expert Simon Williams explained, “It’s a lucky escape for the asteroid, certainly. Planet Earth is home to literally the worst people in the universe.

“There is nowhere else in the entire universe where reality television is so voraciously absorbed by dim-witted sacks of organic matter.

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Offline social networking service called ‘the pub’ launched

A middle-aged Nhulunbuy resident and part-time visionary has launched an offline service called ‘the pub’, which allows friends to interact within the confines of a physical structure, rather than a digital interface such as computer or mobile phone.

48-year-old Seamus sees ‘the pub’ as a place where people can verbally communicate face-to-face while drinking beer. He said: “There’s $20 steak on Saturdays, parmi specials on Tuesdays, badge draw on Thursdays and regular visits by local and national musicians.”

24-year old blogger Feebi Kyteisha-Rhay commented: “I love ‘the pub’ because it’s so quaintly interactive and exciting. For example, my girlfriend will say something about her life, and then I comment, and then she comments back, and then I comment, and so on.

“It’s an amazing platform for trumpeting my half-baked politics, judgemental observations and making vague statements about being unhappy so my friends feel obliged to pay me some attention.

“Often I’ll say something and a total stranger will chime in with a comment like ‘Why don’t you crawl under a rock and die, you ugly b***?’ So it’s not completely different to the internet.”

However, police have warned about the potential dangers of ‘the pub’: “People in ‘the pub’ aren’t always who they seem to be. You might be approached by a seemingly affable yet glassy-eyed stranger declaring their unwavering friendship, only to insult you when you refuse to give him a smoke and buy him a beer. A middle-aged man could even claim to be a small girl. Stay alert and use your eyes.”


You’re not even in our top five worries, Londoners tell extremists

LONDON residents have told extremists that they have far more pressing things to worry about.

Londoners told terror wannabes that they will never even scrape the top five of things that plague their tired, jumbled minds on a daily basis.

32-year-old accounts assistant Tom Booker said: “I already have nightmares on a rotating basis about my barely-affordable rent, work-related exhaustion, meeting a partner who isn’t weird, growing older in a lonely city and a lingering stomach ache that I reckon is an ulcer.

ISIS transports links decimated after NATO hand Mosul contract to Queensland Rail

The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Queensland Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.

Dozens of suicide bombers were left twiddling their thumbs and prominent evil bastards were left unable to deliver vital information, as delays of up to three hours caused chaos for nefarious commuters.

Head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, said, “This is wholly unacceptable. I contacted Queensland Rail about the issue, and they had the audacity to direct our disgruntled suicide bombers to a flippin delay-repay website!

“The very nature of the job means they’re highly unlikely to benefit from compensation.”

Transport Minister Stirling Hinchliffe, told us, “Queensland Rail have never, and will never, give a shit about our customers.

“I literally spend my days sipping port and laughing at CCTV footage of tearful commuters calling their kids to tell them they won’t be able to read them a bedtime story.

“It just proves how fickle the world is. NATO is calling us heroes, but essentially our business plan hasn’t changed.

“Whether you’re desperate to get home to your family, or desperate to blow-up someone else’s – we’ll do our best to stop you.”