england-snow

UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history. 

Just as our fur-clad forebears in mud-brick houses were shaken to the core by the cold white magic covering the ground, people across the North today found themselves panicked by an inch of snow as if it had never been known in their lifetimes.

Historian Mary Fisher said: “As Chaucer wrote, ‘Snowe? Then thy milke man shal be late on his round as if this hath never byn befor.’
obama-trump

Obama hospitalised with bitten tongue

BARACK Obama has been released from hospital after biting his tongue too hard around Donald Trump.

After showing President-elect Trump how door handles work and calling for calm amongst people who assume he’s a Kenyan terrorist, Obama will wear a surgical tongue guard for the remainder of his presidency.

A White House source said: “Once President Trump is sworn in, Barack plans to spend a month or two in the South Carolina woods, miles away from the nearest swear jar, screaming his head off.”